What's this I'm feeling?

“Is this the real life?”

 I really don’t know anymore. I never thought that I could ever feel something this powerful, this beautiful. I was ready to lose hope. I was ready to accept my fate, to lay down my weapons and surrender to the nothingness that life was offering me. But then she appeared…it was in a such a random way that one might think the universe moved some things around in order for me to know her. And this gave me hope. I realized that I was not forgotten, that someone or something out there is watching my struggle and decided to shine a ray of hope in my life. Thank you, whoever or whatever you are, you really opened up my eyes.

“Or is it fantasy?”

At first I thought it to be unreal. I mean, how can she be such a good person? Where did she come from? How did she end up so compassionate and kind and loving and caring and sweet and such an inspiration? The answer is simple: all the negative stuff in her life was the fuel for her strength. She learned how to smile in the face of bad luck and how to take all the bad experiences and turn them into life lessons. And that made her wiser. She is wiser than any person I know. And she doesn’t even know that. She doesn’t even know the extent of her powers yet, and it will be my mission to show her that. So yea, it’s not a fantasy, it is the real life, as real and pure as it can be.

“Caught in a landslide”

That’s the way I feel. Going round and round and never reaching the exit point. This is a carrousel of unnamed feelings that I’m going through. I don’t know what to make of it. My head is spinning like I’ve been going in circles for a long time. It’s hard even for me to understand what I am feeling, and it has never happened in my life. It’s the first time I’m so powerless in the face of my own feelings, my own soul trying to detach from my body, telling me it belongs to someone else.

“No escape from reality”

There’s really no escape from reality then? I guess you can avoid many things in your life, all but your feelings and your heart’s desires. It’s scary at first. You don’t know how to react, you’re feeling powerless and vulnerable, and that scares me a lot. I try to never be vulnerable. It's one of my biggest flaws and one of my best qualities too. It is unhealthy, I know, but it’s the only way I know how to live. I try to hide my sorrows and lock them up deep inside me, where they are probably making my soul rot. But for the first time in a long time I feel vulnerable, and I’m ready to accept it. I am ready to give myself to her without feeling scared of what it may come. I know I can trust her, but  does she know that she can trust herself?

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see"

Open them! Oh please try to see what I see in you…try to see the strength that inspires, the warmth that comforts, the beauty that bewilders…look up and take the vastness of the world in. Take a deep breath and easily exhale, and in that short moment of serenity you will see the things the way they are. Take a moment from your time and think about it. Think about what made me so drawn to you and embrace it. I promise it’s the most perfect feeling of all. Try to think about yourself for a minute. Stop trying to be so absorbed by all this bad aura that you surround your heart with. And accept it. Take it in and squeeze it tight, this will be your new life fuel. And take my word for it, I have plenty of it to spare.

"I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy"
Such a cliché right? Boo hoo, nobody loves me, I’m so sad I don’t need anyone to tell me otherwise. But I lie. I am being loved. My parents love me, my closest friends love me and she loves me the way she loves all people. So why do I feel so empty then? Well because there’s that one spot in my soul, that looks like a hole drilled with a pick hammer, a void that sucks in all the life I have. That’s the thing that makes me so poor. I crave for that kind of love that fills and cauterizes that scar. I crave for that feeling that I create in someone whenever they see me. I don’t need them to show it to me. I just want to know that it’s there. Do I need sympathy? Am I that vulnerable? I like to think otherwise, but in the light of recent events I feel how my frozen heart is starting to warm up, and who knows, maybe soon I’ll be able to truly understand what’s happening right now, to give a name to this thing that I’m feeling right now, this warmth that melts the icecaps around my lonely heart. I hope it happens soon because deep down I know that this might just be the thing that gives my wings back and sets me free.

PS: My biggest fear right now is that I'm overwhelming you...and I apologize for that, but know this: the thing I wrote about above is probably the deepest I've ever looked inside me, and I thank you for giving me the inspiration to put into words the way I feel. You asked me what we are, and I avoided saying friends. Not because we're less than that, but because we're much more. This is the only thing that I can't put into words. It's something so special, and because I've never felt it before, it's hard for me to know what it is. But I know that this might be the best thing that ever happened to me.